Social Capital vs. Social Media

A Mother's Legacy of Strong Bonds

Recently, my wife turned 50, and I decided to throw her a surprise party. On the night of the event, I was struck by the the 49 extraordinary people in the room, many of whom she has known for decades. It was heartwarming to see some meeting each other for the first time and others reconnecting. The birthday party was filled with people who held a fantastic opinion of me because my wife apparently speaks highly of me to her friends. It’s hard not to love such a crowd.

I shared my experience organizing and enjoying the party with my wife the following morning. She responded that since quitting her day job in 2010, she has been intentionally building a social network of sorts. It was something she realized as she reflected on turning 50. Seeing people all together at that party was a great reminder. She explained that this network was ultimately meant to protect our children. She felt that many mothers we know are doing the same.

Men (and male-dominated cultures) consider leaving money to our kids as inheritance to protect them into the future. Sometimes we forget to spend quality time with our precious kids as we focus on money-making. Sometimes our money does more harm than good. I was struck by her invitation to build social capital as our kids’ inheritance.

What kind of network will surround your children once you are gone? How many caring connections do they have? While I was focused on making money, my wife (and many mothers like her) intentionally built a fortress of social capital for our kids. These are the strong bonds of extended family—a social network that has existed for generations. A safety net we may never use, but which gives us the confidence to venture into the world.

In a world dominated by flimsy social media and millions of virtual connections, my wife represents a single node. She doesn’t have millions of followers. Instead she has a smaller number of strong mutual bonds. I consider myself fortunate as one of these. Others feel similarly, it seems. And by continuing to invest time and attention into this offline network, our kids have a wealth of social capital to tap into for support. It’s ambitious work, and the value gained is hard to capture in economic terms. It’s not like you can sign a contract to receive the benefits of extended family.

Her measure of social capital is experiential (dare I say, social!): the quality of each bond, the time invested, experiences shared. As a result, she built a very anti-fragile network of care and support. People we adore and who enjoy our kids.

Our immediate family includes many different branches due to our daughters joining our family through adoption and foster care. We have birth parents and their loved ones in addition to more traditional grandparents, step-grandparents, siblings, and so on. My wife has extended and fortified these relationships with a diverse extended family moslty in New York City and Japan, where we spend our time. She has invested her time and attention to create a sense of security for our kids. Certainly the money I have made does that too, although there is evidence that after about $100k/yr money can do more harm than good. Strengthening family bonds with shared offline experiences doesn’t suffer diminishing returns.

For years, I have been mansplaining to my wife how I make money while doing good in the world. She never explicitly discussed her own endeavors, preferring to talk about friends and plans for playdates. However, it was at that party that I realized the true richness we have in our shared memories with all these people. Years of shared meals, holiday celebrations, picnics, and playdates. It feels like being part of an exclusive private club where membership is defined by the time spent with a mother, in this case, my wife. These moms represent one of the most valuable social networks on the planet. Because they don’t measure outcomes in dollars, or use an app to connect, we fail to celebrate their contribution to our sense of security.

As someone who spends my time exploring new forms of digital capital, with an obvious interest in social capital as an economic measure, this feminine perspective of social capital as extended family (duh!) is quite different from the online influencers with millions of virtual followers. Both are remarkable and quite powerful economic forces. Millions of followers can lead to lucrative ad deals, and just 49 strong bonds can similarly create an extended family that is priceless.